A List

 I have a child that has been known to be a little difficult from time to time.  He means well... most of the time... I think.  But there are a lot of hard, HARD days.  It had reached a tipping point.  I felt like every day I was after him for something, there was so much yelling, arguing... it made my home a place that I didn't want to be- because it meant another confrontation.  

I was searching and searching for inspiration- from anywhere.  I had read so many blogs, websites, books, articles- all promising that they could help.  But the solutions never seemed to fit.  

So one day, on the way to Lake Powell with the family for a vacation that I was certain was going to be a disaster- I had a flash of desperation or inspiration... depending on how you look at it.  I had the feeling that I needed to open my Notes App on my phone and jot down EVERYTHING that this kid did right.  Everything.  And nothing was too small.  

So I did. 

And the list was embarassingly tiny.  I had three things on it.  That's ALL I could think of that my kid was currently doing well/ right.  

1.  Gives good hugs

2.  Knows a lot about history, especially WWII

3.  Tries to pay his way

Poor list.  But it was a start.  That's what I told myself.  

And I went with it.  

By the end of the week in Powell- I had added four more items to the list.  And by the end of the month, I had almost a whole page in my notes app.  I continued to add to it all summer long.  Remember how I said it sounded silly?  By the end of the summer- I really looked back at the things I had gathered on this list.  Some were simple.  Some complex.  Some more meaningful and lasting than others.  But I had concrete evidence that my kid deserved some recognition.  Certainly more than his dad and I were currently giving him.  

So... I decided to start complimenting him on these things when I saw them.  And I still continued to add to the list.  

At first- he looked at me like I was an idiot.  But that wasn't anything new.  That was a daily look anyway- I just happened to see it more because of the comments I was making.  

And then... there was a slight change.  A pause before the "idiot" look began to take place.  And one day- it went away entirely.  Our relationship was starting to change.  

I'm 100% not saying that this list has solved all of our issues.  Far from it.  But it gave me a place to pause and look for the good in the kid.  Turns out there was so much there that I wasn't seeing in the heat of an argument.  

He's quite a sweetheart- he just does his best to bury it behind sarcastic and snarky comments, piles of dirty underwear, and missing assignments in school.  All of these things were the reasons for the poor relationship to begin with.  Those things haven't really gone away.  We are still working on all of it.  But having positives to help stack against the negatives have helped us in our day to day.  

Have a tough relationship?  Try looking at what is right.  Have some patience.  Dive back in.  If a relationship is worth saving- it's going to take work.